endings

 This was my undoing today. This simple, stupid, family dinner table.  I couldn't get the legs off of it to move.  It was like a slap in the face, telling me I'm not good enough to do this.  It's not been my job to break apart furniture for 10 years.  It's been Eric's.  Eric's job to make sure I don't fall apart, don't lift things I shouldn't,  Eric's job to move the heavy stuff while I pack and organize and chase kids and run the home.  AND HE'S NOT HERE!  I am so damn mad at this!  I am so mad that my children would do this to our family.  Mad that the justice system only works if you have money. Mad that I can't fix any of this.  I have never felt so helpless in my entire life.  I have always known what to do, who to call, what had to be done.  If it weren't for some amazing friends I have made in the last 6 months, my children and I would be living in our car.  I am not exaggerating.  Simply stating the facts.

I don't know what we are going to do.  One year lock up for him, and every day my soul dies.  He hasn't called us now for 3 days.  I don't know why.  I need to hear him, even if it's only for a few moments a day.  I need to know he is okay, and get some strength from him.  I need him.  And I need to get on with things without him.

I am so intensely upset at my girls.  I hate to even seen pictures of them.  I sold every piece of funitre that I have ever bought for them,when we land, I'll start over and buy things without the taint of memory.    I want to have never met their father.  I want to never have given birth to them.  And yet I want them back here, back inside my hug, where my children all belong.  I love them and hate them with such fierceness that it tears me apart with every beat of my heart.  How do you reconcile your heart to hate and love?  How does a mother admit to the fact that she wishes she had never had some of her children.

My dear, sweet husband is subjected to things that I don't even want to think about, and he will have to complete therapy that includes him "admitting" that he did something to them to please the judge.  What a joke.  I was so hoping that he could serve the time close to me, so I could see him, and it turns out, that won't happen now.  I worry about him, but he is amazingly strong.  I shame him by thinking him weak.  He is such a strong man with an amazing spirit.  I am so blessed he is mine, and he is willing to still love me even after K and E have done this.  He is willing to pray for them, and hope that one day they make right what they have hurt and come back to our family. . He has prayed for them even when I couldn't speak their names.

We are leaving this house that has been our home for almost 5 years tomorrow.  We will be homeless, but we have a place to land until we find our feet.  I have never been this destitute.  It's a bitter pill to take, but I know that we are forever in the Lord's hands.  I may not see where we are headed, but he does.