Pain

Its hard to fathom the fallout of a justice system that is blind to the truth.  I've been more and more finding out how far reaching the shrapnel is spread.  I wonder some days, were the girls even aware of what damage they were unleashing?  Are they aware now?  The answer to both those questions is probably not.  At first it was a sheltering of sorts, to not cause anymore damage to already damaged minds.  E was still to fragile to burden her with the truth of what she was doing.  Then the courts stepped in and we weren't allowed to even talk about anything with her or K for fear they would twist it more and more charges of tampering with a witness would be added.
The truth of the matter is, I don't know what payout they are getting from this.  K wanted her freedom, wanted to answer to none and make her own rules.  But E?  I still don't know.
I do know that until she was 13 years old, E and her dad were best friends.  They just were.  Her memories of that have been warped, but those of us who lived those times with her know the truth.  She loved her dad. Loved spending time with him, going to work with him at the Park, watching stupid movies mom couldn't stand.  The list goes on, but to hear her now, she never liked him.  I don't know who's story she adapted to be her own, but I know some people that have helped keep it going.  I ran into one of the professionals that worked so hard to help me find her the help she needed to be safe in her own skin, before DCFS told her she wasn't mentally ill, she was just a poor victim of abuse.  He was dumbfounded.  The caseworkers that took her from me for all this had never even bothered to contact the therapist we had been working with for over 2 years.  DCFS is all knowing and the professionals were just duped by me making things up.  I live in fear that while she is in the care of those idiots, they are going to kill her by ignoring the care she really needs.  It's hard to have to watch things happen while you have no control only the knowledge that something is truly terribly wrong and no one will listen.
K is living feral now, wild and free and doing what she wants.  She graduated high school last week, and I am so very proud of her. It couldn't have been easy, and yet she did it.  I was blessed to watch her walk that walk and receive her diploma.  It broke my heart into more jagged pieces that she listed a woman I have never heard of as her mother, but hey. she was willing to lie and send Eric to jail so I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised.
The true broken parts really belong to the little sisters in this nightmare.  M and L are really the ones hurt most by their big sisters.  They are the ones that sob themselves to sleep nightly because daddy isn't here to tuck them in. They are the ones who have lost their home, their support and their sense of safety and stability.  I can only do the best I can in a mind so bruised and broken that it's a daily fight to find any sense of normal for them.  They don't understand why lies and hate have torn the very fabric of their world apart.
 They love K and E so very much, but they don't want to talk to them.  M was so mad at me for even talking to K on the phone.  It hurts my soul to see the pain in her eyes when she talks about them.  "Daddy would never hurt them, or me momma"  and while she's right, until E or K have the strength of character to finally be honest, the pain will continue to build for her.
I find myself having to tell her that no, daddy won't be able to go on your field trip next year, he won't even be able to ever go to even one of your school plays, in fact, he won't be able to go to her high school graduation.  K and E stole all those memories from her before they were ever there.  Stole them from L too.  Lies and hate have ripped away all the good memories they would have ever had with their daddy, memories that both of the big girls already have.
My fragile faith is on such rocky ground.  I can't find the solace for my own heart to share with my hurting babies.  They need their father.  The need his priesthood and spirit and love in our home.  And yes, even though he has been sentenced for the lies the big girls told, even the Lord knows he did nothing and he still has his priesthood.  One day the girls will have to make right all they have sought to destroy.  They will have to make amends for the broken hearts and all the tears shed.  I pray that it's not to late when they decide.  I hope that the lessons I try to teach M and L about hate making people go away and never come back make it easier for the little ones to hold on to love in spite of pain.  I pray for my family to be make whole again.  I pray mostly for the courage to forgive them, even if they wait until they stand before the Lord to be ready to admit they were lying all along.