chapters

There is to be a wedding Saturday.  I should be happy that my lovely daughter has found someone to spend her life with.  Should be.  Am not.  I have seen where she lives, and listened to how they manage their lives and relationship and inside all I can do is cry out "This isn't how you were raised!  This in NOT the life I wanted for you".  But it's the life she set in motion with a few well placed lies.  I will never move from where I stand. I love you K, more than you will ever know, but oh how I'm scared for you and the mess your making of things.
 This last year has taken me into paths and places that I never knew existed outside my nightmares.  I have been homeless, hopeless, faithless, husband-less, worthless, soulless and so many other less's that I sit here tonight amazed that I can laugh and smile again.  But I can, and I do, and I do both almost daily.  Yet, there is a cloud hanging ever over my head, always reminding me of my lack of worth.  My lack as a mother, as a woman, as me.
I try so hard, to put into words the thought spinning in my mind, and I use this as a way to keep them for consuming me, yet I'm at a loss tonight, to adequately find the words.
 8 days, 8 little 24 hours periods is all that separates me from being with my husband again.  I should be over the moon with anticipation, but i'm only filled with sorrow and dread.  He isn't allowed to come home.  As with all the unimaginable things that make up the chapters of my life, this is proving the hardest pill to swallow.  He can't come home as the court says he is a threat and a predator.  A threat to whom?  I'm so sick in my soul that he's lost a year because of the lies of those that I mothered, and now, he will loose more time.  The truth won't give him or I back our year stolen, it won't erase the fear and pain inflicted on M and L.  I'm not even sure the truth would be heard if it was ever uttered.  I find it telling that the only people who believed the lies were strangers.  Our family and friends who truly know us know the truth.  Yet the strangers have all the power.  So my sweet husband will be kept from us longer.
Why was my mothering not enough?  Why were the empty promises of the man who's only good thing he ever did was help create you of more value than the love and safety of my heart?  Was it worth it?  these are the questions that plaque me when it's quiet in my home and i'm left with my own thoughts for company.  Where did I mess up?  How do I fix it?
My wandering thoughts are out now, to the world to be judged.  If it calms my mind a bit, maybe it was worth it.  I don't know anymore.  I only know that I am promised my eternal family, and that It will all be made right one day, I just need to keep my tiny slip of hope.